2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t
believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week …and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f s h.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,” Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good). A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

UT(+5) over OSU

Baylor (-5) over St. Mary’s

Purdue(+9) over Duke

Graphics: Solid A-. Video game creators have finally realized the ways in which uniforms move in the wind, the way shadows look on a baseball field, and the way that players actually run/bat/pitch.

Gameplay: B+. Too realistic, meaning that the game is sometimes too slow and is too long and time-consuming to just casually lounge with a friend and play in between classes. The game requires you to take, at the least, 45+ minutes to fully play a 9-inning game. The hits are sometimes few and far between in this game, but the pitching is realistic. Too many groundouts and flyouts exist for the game to please most gamers.

Modes: My Player Mode: B+. Take yourself from the AA level all the way to the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY with this mode. Improve skills by reaching goals and producing on the diamond. Franchise Mode: N/A to this day, but will be graded in the near future.

Overall Grade: B+. Worth borrowing from a friend for a week, but buying the game would be an economic travesty after playing for 2 weeks.

• Green Beer: Beer is good served amber gold 364 days a year, but if you aren’t drinking green beer today you should be banned from ever celebrating again. Even a glass of Guinness should have some green head on it.
• Parties: 33% of Americans celebrate in pubs, bars, or restaurants on St. Patty’s Day. The biggest parties are held in Boston (obvi), NYC, Philly, Savannah, Georgia, and Chicago.
• Guinness: On normal days only 5.5 million pints of this fine brew are consumed each day–on March 17 make that a double and contribute to the 13 million consumed today.
• Irish Drinks: Irish Car Bombs, Black and Tan’s, Irish Cacti, and Irish Gold–all helped lead to the downfall of Ireland.
• Claiming to be Irish: 36.5 million Americans claimed Irish ancestory in 2007, at the same time Ireland only had a population of 4.5 million people.

Enough blogging, lets go celebrate! Happy 17th, be safe! For your health!

I know all three of you are chomping at the bit to win the 2010 Breakfast is for Closers NCAA Tourney Pick’em of Champions, but for the other n00bies who don’t really know where to start with an empty bracket in front of your face, you are in luck. I myself am a fantastic college basketball analyst- in fact, I won a pool back in ’07. Below are some simple rules to choose your winners, and god willing you can follow these, you will win your pool guaranteed*. If Obama could pick the winner last year, you probably can too.

Do: Pick a 12 seed over a 5. Since 1989, it has happened every year but two. UTEP over Butler is a solid choice.

Don’t: Take a 16 over a 1, please. This has never happened–ever. Teams that are seeded 16 are 0-100 against number 1′s all time. 15′s aren’t winning either so sorry to the Gauchos and Murray St. alums.

Do: Advance a double-digit seed to the Sweet 16. Twenty-three have made it that far since 1985, and there are several candidates for deep runs this year.

Don’t: Advance them any further. Aside from George Mason’s miracle run three years ago as an 11 seed.

Do: Put at least one No. 1 seed in your Final Four. A top seed has reached the Final Four every year except 1980 and 2006.

Don’t: Put all four No. 1 seeds in the Final Four, this only happened last year.

Do: Go with your alma mater if you’re a Jayhawk, Wildcat, or Mountaineer.

Don’t: Pick your school if you went to Lehigh.

Do: Advance Duke deep, the No. 2 seed in their bracket is the falling Villanova.

Don’t: Pick them to win, that’d be either Kansas or Kentucky.

Duke in '05

I guess March just gets my basketball-related creative juices going but today I stumbled upon an article that I think every college student should be required to read upon entering their freshman year. Rick Reilly’s newest piece points out a trend that has been growing in collegiate sports: fans (students) are rushing the court way too often.

Rushing the court isn’t like happy hour on Fridays–it’s supposed to be special.  And not a once a year type thing either, you should be lucky to rush the court one time in your college career. You’re not supposed to make Facebook groups planning a mass rush of the playing surface, it just happens. Indiana. You rushed the court this season after beating Minnesota. Minnesota? How is that supposed to be cause for spontaneous joy? You have a damn movie about your basketball program and you rush the court after beating a team not even ranked in the Top 25? Number 4 Wake Forest stormed the court after beating number 3 North Carolina last season. Congrats, you just pulled off the hardwood floor version of Miracle, nobody could have possibly picked a #4 over a #3 could they?!?

So to avoid any further confusion, here are Rick’s Ironclad and Unbreakable Rushing-the-Court Rules. From now on, you can NOT rush the court if …

• You’ve won an NCAA title in the past 20 years.
• You’ve been in the Final Four in the past five years.
• The team you just beat is not in the top three.
• Or is ranked within 15 rungs of you. (Somebody do the math for Wake.)
• Or is really a football school. This includes Florida, Texas and Ohio State. Get over it.
• You’ve beaten this same team in the past five years.
• You won the stupid game by more than 10 points. There is no such thing as a PRTC (Premeditated Rush The Court.)
• You’re a university and you just beat a college.
• Coach K comes to your coach’s clinic.
• You have a dead-mortal-lock lottery pick on your team.

Also, you can’t rush if all you have done is qualified for the NCAA tournament-64 other teams did the same thing, it’s not that special. Finally, if you are in compliance with the Ironclad and Unbreakable Rules, make sure at least three of you hoist the center. Otherwise you’ll drop him, causing him to rip a rotator cuff and, consequently, miss the rest of the year. Then people will egg your dorm room until you graduate, which will be never, since every professor will hate you, too.

Doctors studied the properties of oxygenated alcohol – booze with oxygen bubbles added – which is a popular concoction in their country. In these drinks, oxygen is added the way carbonation is usually added to soda. People who drank oxygenated stuff had less severe and fewer hangovers than people who drank the non-fizzy stuff. Scientifically, here’s how it works: the enzymes that process alcohol in the body require oxygen to function, and it’s thought that by storing the oxygen in the alcohol itself, the system functions more quickly and efficiently.

Is it worth it though? How many times have you used your hangover as an excuse to do, or not do something? It’s your excuse for forgetting someone’s name or not making conversation in the morning. It’s why you head down to an all-day breakfast place for three greasy eggs, a double side of bacon, and a gigantic chocolate milkshake. I mean, without the hangover, it’s that much harder to appreciate the stupidity of what you’ve done the night before. Without the queasy feeling and the searing head pain, how else are we supposed to learn?

Contestants must play online in ”Perfect Game Mode” – which displays that text during your game, and must be visible during the video recording of it. Yes, you must have a camera videotaping the TV. Other restrictions: No delay tactics. No pausing. No mound visits. The most notable rule? You can’t pick your pitcher, only your team. You must then throw with the team’s pitcher scheduled to start that very day. Apparently you can throw your clubs opening day starter up until the real opening day next month. Then for April you gotta be smart and pick the days when Johan Santana or Roy Halladay is starting, although it would be hilarious if we found out the winner threw a perfect game with Hiroki Kuroda.  Finally, 2K Sports has partnered with Twin Galaxies, the worldwide sanctioning authority for video game high scores and records, to certify the legitimacy of submissions so it’s going to have to be for real, unfortunately.

In MLB history there have only been 16 perfect games thrown since the beginning of the two-league modern era in 1901. More than 160,000 regular season games have been played in that span.

I set up a Yahoo! fantasy league for the upcoming NCAA basketball tournament. Who ever wins gets the new updates emailed to them an hour before their posted on the website, lucky you!

Click Here to Join

As we welcome in March today, we also must not forget what March stands for–Spring Break, NCAA basketball, and moustaches. If for some reason you do not know, March is the month in which men, and a select few women, around the world show respect for the most elegant of all facial hair types, the moustache. Inspired by General Pang and his implementation of Fu Manchu February, Moustache March was created during the Civil War by General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson to rally and unify Confederate troops. It’s pretty much history from there as our fathers, grandfathers, and great grandfathers have all taken part in the tradition of Moustache March. In honor of its inaugural day, I have too decided to sport some upper lip hair. I have also decided to create this tournament to inspire old school designs for the upcoming four weeks.

Round One:

Breakdown of Round 1:

Hitler vs. Cap’n Crunch: In a surprise upset, the eight seed Cap’n Crunch knocks off Hitler to begin the tourney. Cap’n says he “owes it to his genes.” In fact, Grandpa Crunch beat out Karl Marx in March of 1875.

Hulk vs. Magnum PI: I never watched Magnum PI, this might be a bit partial but I’m giving the edge to Hollywood. You got a problem with that? Take it up with him, not me.

Rollie Fingers vs. Da Coach: Ditka’s stache is timeless, but Fingers’ is original. Edge goes to Rollie.

Borat vs. Günther: In the international match-up, Borat kicks Günther ass.

Round Two:

Breakdown of Round 2:

Cap’n Crunch vs. Hulk Hogan: In another Davidson-esque victory, the Cap’n downs Hogan in a close one. Crunch is looking like the Cinderella team of this year.

Fingers vs. Borat: In my country, they go crazy for Rollie… Borat, not so much.

The Championship:

Breakdown of Round 3:

Congratulations to Rollie Fingers, who edged out Cap’n Crunch, to win the 2010 Moustache March tournament. In his honor I will begin the process of constructing my own handle bar moustache. Check back everyday this week for a new blog post. For your health!

You know what they call a Quater Pounder with cheese in India? They don’t call it anything. Oh, they got Mickey D’s in India, over 150 of them, but not like your thinking. Over 80% of India is Hindu- a religion that takes the cow as a sacred deity. Chow down on a Big Mac over there and you’ll probably get some nasty looks. Instead, why don’t you have a McAloo Tikki Meal?

Here’s the Indian version of a Big Mac, the Chicken Maharaja Mac. It kinda makes me puke a little every time I look at it. McDonalds is bad enough in the states.  However, over the last few years I’ve had the pleasure of traveling throughout Europe and I can say, definitively, McDonalds also sucks abroad. In fact, the only positive thing I can think of in regards to foriegn McDonalds is they sell booze. I mean who wouldn’t want to upgrade their medium Coke to a Heineken? Not so fast though, Hindu’s don’t drink alcohol either so don’t get all excited.  According to Wikipedia, the only trustworthy site for accurate information on the internet, Hindu’s like to party.

The continued entheogenic use of drugs such as Cannabis is not uncommon among various Hindu sects. Cannabis is connected with the god Shiva who is said to have rested in the shade of the Cannabis plant on a particularly hot day. In gratitude Shiva gave the plant to mankind. Often the drink Bhang is drunk in Shiva’s honor, it is a tea typically cooked with milk, spices, cannabis leaves and flowers.

Unfortunately, no Bhang at McDonalds either. And with food choices like this, it’s probably a safe bet to pass up Mickey D’s on your next stroll through Mumbai cowboy. For your health!

You know who grinds my gears? Al Davis. God do I hate this geriatric prick. For one he looks like he’s 142 years old and seems to have hired the same stylist who did the wardrobe for Miami Vice in the late 80′s.  Sorry to be a little late on the news here, I usually don’t follow football so closely in February, but apparently he signed Sebastian Janikowski, a kicker, to a $16 million deal with $9 mil guaranteed.  It’s bad enough that Davis drafted Sebastian in the first round in 2000–if you were wondering, it was 152 picks between him and the next kicker taken in the draft. I could probably write a book based on the bad decisions he’s made as the Raiders GM in the last decade but let’s point out just a few:

• JaMarcus Russell: $61 million, six-year deal and career QB rating of 65.1 will eventually get you on Best Damn Sport Show’s Top 50 busts of all-time.
• Javon Walker: After being released by the Broncos in 2008, Davis decided to give Javon $55 million which equated to 15 catches and one TD while playing in Oakland.
• DeAngelo Hall: 7 years, $70 mil. Hall was released 8 games into his time with Oakland because he “failed to adapt to the Raiders’ man-to-man style of defense and was regularly beaten by opposition receivers during the opening half of the season.”

Let’s not forget about drafting Robert Gallery and Michael Huff, signing Gibril Wilson, and going thru 5 head coaches in the last 7 years, not to mention that Tom Cable, thier current head coach, may be the least qualified in the league. If I crunch some numbers real quick, it looks like Davis has compiled 6 starters for the NFL All Bust team for $328 million total, $116.5 guaranteed.

Now Al can add another chapter to his storied reign in Oakland. Janikowski has a boot, probably the best in the NFL, but let’s be realistic, how many times a game does he see the field? Even with the Raiders unstoppable offense, maybe six times a game–$38k+ each time he kicks the ball (75% of those kicks are either extra points or kickoffs, a more accurate number is $138k for every meaningful kick that requires some skill aka field goal attempts) . Every kicker in the NFL should send Davis a fruit basket and a thank you card, he managed to raise the average kicker’s salary by a Bentley alone. Janikowski’s contract will serve as a benchmark when other kickers are eligible for the free agent market.

Simply, LeBron is to Ari Gold as Telfair is to that friend Ari just saved last season. I forgot his name but here’s a picture. Ari is a boss, like LeBron, except he’s white, Jewish, and berates gays. His friend is a loser who works in the valley. For all I’m concerned the Clippers are the valley, the place where Drama only goes between “November through March. And even then, only the ‘Sushi Row’”.

On a whole nother subject, I think the Cav’s should have traded LeBron- and the only reason it didn’t happen is because Cleveland would have burned down the GM’s house and raped and pillaged his family. It’s pretty obvious the chances of LeBron returning to the team is 50/50, maybe. He gets drunk on the reg, has fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg, rolls with Jay-Z on the reg…basically all the shit most men fantasize about. You think he wants to do that in Ohio? Fuck no, count on the Knicks or Nets signing him this off season so he can ball out in a non fly-over state. I’m sure apartment shopping on the upper east side with CC and A-Rod will be the first thing on the King’s to do list after he gets bounced in the second round of the playoffs. Could have gotten something like Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge for him before the deadline.

David annoying his landlord

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine.
The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.

(Someone) “Wow, this song is legit, who is this?”

(Me) “Oh this is Peter Bjorn, you never heard of him? C’mon man, you live under a rock?”

(Someone) “Nope, but can you send me that track, it’s über cool. You always have the best music”

(Me) “For sure, but do me a favor and turn off the repeat button on the Lil’ Wayne playlist dude”

You see, not only does it actually contain good music, but you come off totally BA if you know what’s up.  I’ll post a preview here, more to come if people actually read this blog.

Peter Bjorn- Nothing to Worry About

BohnZone.com